I want to be 4 Again!!!

I'm feeling so out of touch these days the light only remains for a short while. It's like I'm walking on air, nothing feels solid; the work, the loves, the conversations,BLEH! Feels like I'm waiting, searching and hoping to come into that moment when my skin fits, when my life is mine and I can do as I please with it. I want to be like Lesedi, my 4yr old daughter, light, flowing, slow to anger, quick to forget. She notices the most strangest things like,
"mommy why are your eyes red? were you sleeping?"
me: "Yes, I slept on the way home"
her: "Look at my eyes, are they red? No, they are white"
(conversation in vernac ofcourse, makes it more funny).
She is very thoughtful, like waking up my dad to give him a banana while is he sleeping...lol.
I definitely think I want to be 4 again; cartoons, sweets, sleep, playing with water, hugs and kisses...such bliss!
She is quiet the diva but I love her nonetheless.
My main drive when I became a parent, was to live my life to the fullest so that my daughter knows she too can. Not to be a sacrificial lamb. It's a perfecting love...
I just resigned from my job, my feet are itchy, I WANNA GO TO BEAUTIFUL *singing..
I call on the Universe to bless me with a cool job while I wait for my UK Studies next year and to push me out of the door so I can see more. I've been feeling so powerless, overall wackness, unfinished thoughts, deeds,projects...I just want to live and be less mindful of external and internal noise. Can I reclaim my own Loveliness, cause that I am!

SmaUniverse,

Its Yours!

Education as myth?

It's easy to say, "Live each moment,Fully", we only do have one chance to live our lives. There are days when I question the choices I have made. Am I following my passions to the fullest? Am I doing justice to my Dreams? Because right now they are all I have, informing everything I do. It's been hard to move forward without an ounce of doubt, everywhere I look there is someone living fully, achieving their dreams. It's been hard to learn to listen to the rhythm of my own step. If there's ever one thing a person can do, it is to sorround yourself with extraordinary, like-minded people, and for this I'm grateful.

This post has been difficult for me to write. I wanted to explore what I call, "Education as a myth", for various reasons. One thing I've come to learn is that you do it for yourself. I'm probably not the only young person I know questioning whether or not I have made the right career choice. What tends to bother me the most is that I know so many of my friends who are highly educated and yet are unemployed or find themselves in unsatisfactory jobs. The myth is that once you have that piece of paper, the riches will start pouring at your feet. It's a reality not all of us come to experience. We wake up every morning praying that the god of all 'kick-ass' jobs will hear us and grant us our wish.
What do you do when you live in a country that is stuck in a 'pay-check to pay-check' mentality? All we know is the world of revolving credit that constantly keeps us where we dont want to be.

I've spoken to many friends about this and I've been on the edge of resignation many times myself. A friend of mine said of her job, "I feel like staying here is damaging me". It's hard, what do you do when you have been given the gift of responsibilities? I'd love nothing more than to wake up and find my dreams realised.
What's the solution then? How do we keep motivating 'Education' as a way out?
Crappy bosses, crappy jobs, careers gone wrong; will forever be a reality. Therefore you must decisively weave your own meaning, your own dream and hopefully one day it is tears of joy that you and I will both be crying, because dreams are worth every ounce of determination.
The inspiration is around us,  the people in our lives who can attest to this.
For now, I hold my chin up and continue following the trail of my dreams.
You are not that job, with or without you remain, and hopefully money does not hold us prisoners as we do our best to "Fully Live in Every Moment".

"All Paid Jobs,absorb and degrade the mind"..Aristotle.

The Fruits of My Thoughts

My mind has been revolving around the beauty of women, their depth of love and their endurance of suffering. My thoughts are not simply influenced by bias, as evidently I happen to be a Woman myself. Or maybe they are, lol..but either way I choose to speak to a reflection that mirrors mine daily.

I started thinking about myself and how much i've grown over the years and had a thought about the texture of an evolving woman and how sweet it is as she comes into her own. I'm hoping to finish a poem, already in progress, reflecting this.

A friend said the most amazing statement at one of our scholarship gatherings a while back, He exclaimed, "women exist to be desired". Although a bit shocked, I kept contemplating the validity of this statement, which I infact happen to fully agree with.

Not only as sexual beings are we desirable but in our care, comfort and human nature.
There is nothing wrong for being desired because you have perfectly sculptured 'boobs' or an amazingly round 'ass' but I think everything in our nature is meant 'to draw you in', to steal a line from one of my favourite movies, every crevice holds magic. I agree to the full extent about women's desirability and beauty and I believe we deserve to nurture and care for ourselves by making choices that reflect our 'Awesomeness'.

I've also been thinking about the 'New Woman' and as much as the 'New Modern Man' exists so does she. Who are we know? We are financially independent, we are emotionally intelligent, we have active work and social lives and we have a handle on what we want and who we are sexually. I'd like to believe that most of us do even though I'm aware that many still fall behind or rather, are still catching up.
Can the 'New Women' really handle paying her own way all the time? certain markers of provsion are still a must for both men and women, such as paying the food bill, letting him change your tyre etc...
 But what is really 'new' about the 'New Woman'?
She seems to have everything 'new' but her needs are still largely traditional.
Who are you if you provide or are provided for?
I honestly have so much I still have to think about regarding this topic, especially as a feminist who doesnt quite buy into the 50-50 rule..
Okay to be reviewed again...

But..

Found an interesting article in the October 2010 Edition of True Love Magazine. Mmatshilo Motsei (page 28) discusses the younger man and older women saga but I found these points quite potent:

• The idea of man needing to tower over a woman is based on a traditional predatory archetype in human evolution. This archetype connotes an imbalance of power that translates into domination and submission.
• Men usually serve the role of protector and provider while women serve a role of perpetuation of the species..
• The fact that intimate human relations still operate under the dominator model reflects a prevailing form of survival through conquest as opposed to reciprocity
• We need to re-imagine love and take sex out of a mechanistic and materialistic body in order to sustain fulfilling sex

I must still chew over these thoughts...

Two things that have definitely left a mark on me recently have been Love and Death.

I marvel at how I have chosen to love myself and others...much of it is still under construction but I've decided that loving more is definitely the key. There may be complications in how we love certain people but if love is the foundation,we will definitely always find our way back.

And for Death? no one really wants to talk about it actually..*chuckles , let alone think about it. It's still a scary concept, which makes you think about the value of life..

I definitely miss my paternal grandmother, my aunt who i hadn't seen in years and many others who have touched my life.. In celebrating them, my ancestors, we live each day with vigour, fight through the downs and relish the NOW, as tommorow doesn't really exist!

SmaUniverse,

Its Yours!

MIRROR MOMENT!

I had a moment today, I went to the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror and said “It’s good to be you right now”…and smiled. I wouldn’t change any course events have taken and all the experiences that shape me. The taste of life is becoming more defined; I have a full sense of my own boundaries, my personal challenges and the road I am yet to travel. I am continually blessed with good people in my life which makes the journey sweeter. There’s a lot to be said about the knowledge that comes with ageing, the searching changes, evolves from a doubtful ,foolish and naïve state into a quiet confidence and peace…maybe not fully there yet but I’m good. My eyes are wide open, ready to continue building the SMANGELE that I am, and oh how I love her… J

Dreaming Wide Awake

I almost didnt post this one, having days from hell ...the things we put up with! Toxic environments make you sick...

The past month "women's month" has been about Awareness for me, what happens arounds us affects us, both our internal and external environment. I tried to seek a less existential (loosely used) focus and decided that by looking at those around me I could better understand my own place in the scheme of things, the space I inhabit..still trying..

The title of this entry is a simple yet powerful one for me...it dissolves the angst I feel about where I am presently. By Lizz Wright, suttle and powerful Jazz vocalist and composer, simply put "silent power"..The lyrics to the song go something like;

My eyes burn,
I have seen the glory of a brighter sun,
My heart aches,
It has felt the peace of perfect Love,
My mind fails,
As I try to recall the bliss of a glorious day
When I was sleeping,eyes wide open,
Dreaming wide awake

Who are you stranger?
To come here, and answer all my prayers?
Where are you from,angel?
You saved my life and dissappeared
How do I find you?
Will you come when I need you?
Oh,how I'd love,
I'd love to be sleeping, eyes wide open
Dreaming wide awake..

Ah Lizz..she connects me to the peace I have tasted while dreaming, that I know is possible..

I started fasting every Thursday (during August), and thanks to a good friend I never forgot... The first was a challenge as I've had quite an active relationship with food lately..it was for Equal Education, then Domestic Violence, the Sexual liberation of women through knowledge, freedom and expression, Single parenthood and Pride. There was a lot to digest and as the weeks progressed the nature of the fasts followed suit, largely due to my recurring headaches, from 6pm till 6pm the next day then till 6am.These fasts were my part in social activism, they were not meant to be religious or highly restrictive but definitely were meditative..

Where do I start..Education..formal or informal,it takes you places.  I am where I am partly because of its influence in my life and I hope that my daughter has access to the best as well. Having been to a village in Lesotho recently,its hard to see how far the scales are tipped,even in our own backyards its the same. Children Lesedi's age and older playing mothers to younger siblings,in need of the barest neccessities. The only way to eradicate this is to start small. Let's be a light to those we come across and those closest to us,hence the collection drive for books and stationary..get in touch with me if you'd like to contribute (secondopinion2@gmail.com).

I love women. I love myself hence the next fasts' theme came up and it being women's month also had a great impact. Tightly put, Domestic violence is not only a sign of weekness, it is strengthened by silence. Please encourage those around you who may be emotionally,physically and mentally affected to break the silence.Real love is possible.

Sexual liberation was the  theme that followed ; for both genders but mainly women. This is possible through a positive self image...reminds me of a poem i wrote years back (not too long)  after giving birth,where I had to own each and every stretch mark and my breastfeeding boobies. It's important to know ourselves, to touch ourselves (some are afraid..you know who you are) and to express that beauty,that is embodied in who we are, our taste, our scent,our warmth. Thanks Fifi and your team for "The Vagina Monologues", it's definitely a play more men and women need to see atleast once. You are beautiful women, round,curvaceous and otherwise!

I rounded up my month of awareness (so much more happened) by celebrating Single parents and the magic they weave daily and Pride, for men and women whose existence makes life interesting and showcases the different textures that we are. I'm a sucker for brave people and this includes all self-starters,entrepreneurs, thinkers..you name them. One thing that hiking up the Tugela falls taught me (painfully...lol) is that it's a question of mind over matter...never give up, there'll always be someone to catch your fall.

Even thought times I climb my own personal Tugela, I will continue to embrace the beauty of life and push myself to remember to continue to Dream Wide Awake because the glory of a brighter sun shall be mine..

SmaUniverse

Its Yours!

MAD WITH LIFE

I wrote this a while back and because of the pace at which my life moves,so much has happened since and it is still happening..and now,I'm mad with life both negatively and positively. In this instance, I'll just share the positive vibrations of this life we lead...

Okay,its official, I've gone mad!
I'm beginning to see stars where there are none, maybe its my stress medication,
I'm beginning to fall in love all over again with nothing, no one and everything and everyone at the same time..

Parental stress disorder is an interesting concept,
dealing with my dual citizenship,
dealing with a work environment that is harmful, although has serious consequences for my work ethic, it holds deep and life changing lessons..

And 'Wow'..the beauty that is life,
is present in my endless walks around the city,
my age old clothing that gives me Joy,
my ambitions,
my aspirations...

I'm mad with Love,
mad to Love..
Okay i need to stop now,

But do me a favour,reconcile yourself with your madness,especially if you didn't know it exists in all of us,
Enjoy talking to yourself,
Speak your fears and insecurities aloud,
Its the only way to be comfortable and totally at peace with who you are,
Face it! WE ARE ALL MAD IN OUR OWN WAY...lol..

SmaUniverse,
Its yours.

THRIVING FOR SUCCESS?!

I came across a magazine article the other day and someone said of themself, "I have a drive to succeed". My initial thought was 'Who doesn't?' Everyone in their small or big life wants to succeed, and for others its 'cameara and lights' and others its a kiss on their forehead. It seemed a bit silly to assume that others may not possess this drive. Are we not inherently build with 'drive'? e.g 'sex drive' LOL... Some people overwork themselves, sacrifice the love of family,partners, leisure for this drive to succeed, and some remain happy or complacent with not reaching their full potential. Does it really have to be complicated for all of us? I've been thinking Business lately, although my mind seems to be in a knot,forcing me to calm down and take stock. I love Books. I love Fashion. Even if I marginally succeed in both in the world of business,i'll be happy,my love is immovable. Doing what you love is a blessing and succeeding at it more so. Enough falling asleep at work and dealing with EGO's! Enough of the paycheck to paycheck mentality and existence! Let's do what we Love and take inspiration from those who do it everyday..Assign value to your own life because naturally you have the Drive!

SmaUniverse...

Its Yours!

Born in a Taxi..great Jam...

I'm not sure if being hit,knocked down by a taxi was meant to serve a greater purpose (I do believe in the things happen for a reason' philosophy) than what I already know. Which is, firstly, I do not belong to a financial bracket that can afford a car right now.Secondly, I am not the first or the last person to suffer this injustice, and unlike many others it was minor and my daughter and I survived. It left me with minor physical injuries (bruised leg) and emotional (worry about my daughter mixed with anger and the desire to kick the taxi drivers butt for not checking his mirrors,inside bree taxi rank nogal!) concerns. Lesedi just keeps relaying the story to my parents as many times as she can and tells them I was hurt but now i'm better. She was visibly shaken and I was worried sick about her, wiping her tears away, caused by the shock and nerves. Thirdly and finally, I know never to occupy a position of victimhood, It happened, I'm alive. I will drive one day,more than anything I see the incident as motivation to overcome the social injustices of this world,that are small and have too much impact..the gaps feel too wide at times, and although our lives try to catch up with some 'standard'...The internal space, the love and support we recieve from loved ones really goes a long way. The mother instinct in me tells me,I will come right,whatever that is,for myself,my daughter and for others.

SmaUniverse,

Its Yours.

The Alter-Ego

I'm in favour of alter egos and the freedom they can give a person. I'm in no way referring to pretense or people who 'psyc' themselves up. This is a tangible you that exists purely as a fully liberated version of 'YOU'. I've always believed that 'You', 'Me', we are our own worst enemies, always finding reasons to inhibit ourselves.We hardly ever give ourselves over to moments or experiences that free us..new experiences,success.. The only way to get over the past or whatever or whoever holds us back, is to confront it head on,LIFE happens to all of us..

The courage to be brave is refreshing,feels like you've just had a shave,new territory to discover...

I love my alter-ego,wont share her name yet,she might just take over..the more she gets subsumed into my persona,the more I feel I'm becoming the woman I've always known I was..as one poet puts it..'Its time to grab liberation by the throat'. Embrace you alter-ego...

SmaUniverse

Its Yours..

Track for this one:Ego by Beyonce

The Real Bungee!!

I listen to the new Sade, Soldier of Love, as I do this and remember the shock of the moment depicted in the picture. It has followed me four days after the actual jump...one thing I've learnt though about jumping,shaving my head clean, my locks, having my child...is to always strive to be a better soldier of love for myself,to myself and the rest will follow...

SmaUniverse

Its yours...